Read My Thoughts and Be Glad!

I'm usually a live and let live type of person. If something happens, I let it go or I bury it. I don't deal. I haven't dealt, I let it go or bury it deep into the wasteland that is my mind.

But I seem to be repressing too many unpleasant things lately. It seems they have become so numerous that they are crowding and pushing other thoughts and memories out. I am becoming forgetful and absentminded. Today Matt pulled some lame trick on me that involved flicking my throat. While I was rubbing my sore neck and letting out a string of profanities, Matt and Levi were cracking up and Matt managed to let out between guffaws "I can't believe you fell for it AGAIN!"

Again? i thought. Again? I don't remember that ever happening. But they both insisted it had happened. For the life of me, I can not remember ever having that happen to me. This worries me slightly.

Also, my infamous repression skills are starting to slip. I can still push something to the farthest corner of my mind without ever having to confront the unpleasant emotion. But now its at the risk of letting out some emotion that was long hoisted away and has since festered. And this is the situation I have put myself in. I don't want to deal, nor do I particularly know how to deal. But I have to.

It seems so cliche to say I've been hurt in the past but its true. I may be just 18, but that doesn't mean that I haven't been changed because of the way people treat me. I've had some bad experiences over the last couple of years with relationships and its really changed me.

I used to be the kind of person who could fall in like very easily. It didn't take much to gain my infatuation. But failed attempts after failed attempts took its tole. Now, its like, I allow myself only a vague inclination that this is a person I will like, if I let myself. But everything else I hold back. And I wait for a little to see if anything will happen, and then I give up and move on.

I'm not sure this is healthy. I'm so guarded that its quite possible if any guys DID like me, they'd be afraid to approach me. I've been told before I'm very intimidating and people ARE afraid approach me. And if they do, I can't ever really take it seriously and I dismiss it. Because if I take it seriously, I could get hurt. And this is not something I allow.

I had a dream last night. I won't tell you what it was about because it was positively gag inducing but the message of it seemed to be clear to me. I am destined to settle. I will never get what I really want, I will always have to be okay with something not up to my standards. That's a little disturbing to me.