Bugs.

I hate bugs. With a passion. I don't find their stick like legs, their huge wings, their beady eyes, or their amazing physical capabilities fascinating. I find them horrifying. I don't want to know about the strength of an ant. The fact that ants can over power and eat something (x) times their size is terrifying! If I see a bug, I want to squish it. End of story.

I know all the bullshit about them being essential to the environment and shit, but I really don't care. Cross my path, bug, and you will die. Like the flying whatchamacallit that just landed on my screen and is now a smear on a tissue.

You've been warned.

Sasquatch Playlist

I'm so excited for summer to come so I can go to Sasquatch. In the meantime, I downloaded a bunch of the aritsts, a song or two from each. =]

Killed Myself When I Was Young- AA Bondy
There's a Reason- AA Bondy
Innocence- the Airborne Toxic Event
Sometime Around Midnight- the Airborne Toxic Event
Brother Sport- Animal Collective
Peacebone- Animal Collective
There are too Many birds- Arthur & Yu
Come to View- Arthur & Yu
Kind of in Love- the Avett Brothers
At the Beach- the Avett
Apple Orchard- Beach House
Auburn and Ivory- Beach House
Walk Away- Ben Harper
Steal My Kisses- Ben Harper
Click Click Click Click- Bishop Allen
Middle Management- Bishop Allen
Sun Lips- Black Moth Super Rainbow
I Think Its Beautiful that You are 265 colors too- Black Moth Super Rainbow
Go on, Say it-Blind Pilot
The Cooper Temple Clause- Blind Pilot
Black River Killer- Blitzen Trapper
Furr- Blitzen Trapper
Brackett, WI- Bon Iver
Skinny Love- Bon Iver
Bottom of the Lake- the Builders and the Butchers
the Coal Mine Fall- the Builders and the Butchers
History of Lovers- Calexico
He Lays In the Reins- Calexico
Untrust Us- Crystal Castles
Vanished-Crystal Castles
The Crane Wife 3- the Decemberists
Sixteen Military Wives- the Decemberists
The Clockwise Witness- Devotchka
How it Ends- Devotchka
Hory Hippies- the Dodos
Walkings- the Dodos
Black and White Town- Doves
Caught by the River- Doves
Didn't Cha Know-Erykah Badu
Bag Lady- Erykah Badu
Remember Me as a Time of Day- Explosions in the Sky
Day 8- Explosions in the Sky
Mykonos- Fleet Foxes
White Winter Hymnal- Fleet Foxes
Casanova, Baby!- the Gaslight Anthem
Here's Looking at You, kid- the Gaslight Anthem
Shut the Club Down- Girl Talk
Set it Off- Girl Talk
Wonderlust King- Gogol Bordello
Start Wearing Purple- Gogol Bordello
Deep Blue Sea- Grizzly Bear
Knife- Grizzly Bear
Too Fake- Hockey
Eyes Full of Rose- Horse Feather
Curs in the Weeds- Horse Feathers
Jane Says- Jane's Addiction
Been Caught Stealing- Jane's Addiction
Kookaburra- John Vanderslice
Exodus Damage- John Vanderslice
Welfare Bread- King Khan & the Shrines
69 Faces of Love- King Khan & the Shrines
Use Somebody- Kings of Leon
Sex on Fire- Kings of Leon
Bang Bang- the Knux
Other Side- the Knux
Vincent O'Brien- M. Ward
Never Had Nobody Like You- M. Ward
Don't Save Us from the Flames- M83
We Own the Sky- M83
Ride- Monotonix
Anchors Dropped- Mt. St. Helens Vietnam Band
Albatross, Albatross, Albatross- Mt. St. Helens Vietnam Band
Press Gang- Murder City Devils
I Drink the Wine- Murder City Devils
Beard Lust- Natalie Portman's Shaved Head
Holding Hands in the Shower- Natalie Portman's Shaved Head
the Hand that Feeds- Nine Inch Nails
Closer- Nine Inch Nails
Don't Ask Me to Explain- of Montreal
Rapture Rapes the Muses- of Montreal
Hello Seattle- Owl City
Panda Bear- Owl City
Sleepyhead- Passion Pit
Better Things- Passion Pit
Biathalon- Point Juncture, WA
Melon Bird- Point Juncture, WA
Oh, La- Ra Ra Riot
Can You Tell-Ra Ra Riot
Creator- Santigold
L.E.S. Artistes- Santigold
Connjur- School of Seven Bells
Half Asleep- School of Seven Bells
Rooks- Shearwater
the Snow Leopard- Shearwater
Creation Lake- Silversun Pickups
Lazy Eye- Silversun Pickups
We Put a Pearl in the Ground- St. Vincent
Marry Me- St. Vincent
Brightest Hour- the Submarines
Xavia- the Submarines
Carry Me Ohio- Sun Kil Moon
Neverending Math Equation- Sun Kil Moon
Truck Sweat- Tobacco
Halfway Home- TV on the Radio
Heroes- TV on the Radio
One in Every Crowd- Viva Voce
Alive with Pleasure- Viva Voce
Little House of Savages- the Walkmen
in the New Year- the Walkmen
She Sends Kisses- the Wrens
Everyone Chooses Sides- the Wrens
Maps- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Gold Lion- Yeah Yeah Yeahs

I'm usually a live and let live type of person. If something happens, I let it go or I bury it. I don't deal. I haven't dealt, I let it go or bury it deep into the wasteland that is my mind.

But I seem to be repressing too many unpleasant things lately. It seems they have become so numerous that they are crowding and pushing other thoughts and memories out. I am becoming forgetful and absentminded. Today Matt pulled some lame trick on me that involved flicking my throat. While I was rubbing my sore neck and letting out a string of profanities, Matt and Levi were cracking up and Matt managed to let out between guffaws "I can't believe you fell for it AGAIN!"

Again? i thought. Again? I don't remember that ever happening. But they both insisted it had happened. For the life of me, I can not remember ever having that happen to me. This worries me slightly.

Also, my infamous repression skills are starting to slip. I can still push something to the farthest corner of my mind without ever having to confront the unpleasant emotion. But now its at the risk of letting out some emotion that was long hoisted away and has since festered. And this is the situation I have put myself in. I don't want to deal, nor do I particularly know how to deal. But I have to.

It seems so cliche to say I've been hurt in the past but its true. I may be just 18, but that doesn't mean that I haven't been changed because of the way people treat me. I've had some bad experiences over the last couple of years with relationships and its really changed me.

I used to be the kind of person who could fall in like very easily. It didn't take much to gain my infatuation. But failed attempts after failed attempts took its tole. Now, its like, I allow myself only a vague inclination that this is a person I will like, if I let myself. But everything else I hold back. And I wait for a little to see if anything will happen, and then I give up and move on.

I'm not sure this is healthy. I'm so guarded that its quite possible if any guys DID like me, they'd be afraid to approach me. I've been told before I'm very intimidating and people ARE afraid approach me. And if they do, I can't ever really take it seriously and I dismiss it. Because if I take it seriously, I could get hurt. And this is not something I allow.

I had a dream last night. I won't tell you what it was about because it was positively gag inducing but the message of it seemed to be clear to me. I am destined to settle. I will never get what I really want, I will always have to be okay with something not up to my standards. That's a little disturbing to me.

HAHA

You know, I really do love Christian Bale. I realize this was an asshole thing to do, but he did apologize same day AND when it was leaked. He was in a high emotion situation and he blew up. it happens to the best of us

But damn, I just think the whole thing was hilarious.

I don't usually hate. But I'll make an exception

I'm against violence as a rule, but if someone, some divine being, came up to me and said "Lauren, I will rape, torture and slowly murder you and everyone you have ever and will ever care about if you do not commit murder today" there would be no hesitation in my mind who my victim would be.

Ann Coulter

And I would not feel guilty. Not a tear of regret would spring from my eye. And, after protesting that my crime was indeed an act of humanity, I would gladly take my punishment.

I realize that her whole mission in life is to make money off the pain of others, but I really don't understand how she can feel no shame for the things she says. How can she sleep at night when she is blaming single mothers for all of society's problems? How can she call herself a public figure when she is denouncing 9/11 widows as "witches"?

She's an ass bag. A douche nozzle. A nazi waiting to happen. She calls Jews "unperfected Christians" and John F Kennedy, a personal hero of mine, a "venereal disease ridden proliferate and a drug user." She's a hypocrite and a pariah to even her own party. I mean, hell, she STILL refers to our President as B. Hussein Obama. She called John Edwards a FAGGOT and then defended that statement by saying the word is a schoolyard taunt and carries no anti-homosexual stigma. She said biracial couples either have a chip on their shoulder or they are together only for the attentio, and she cites an episode from Seinfeld as her proof to back up her statements.

She's even insulted me and a vast majority of my friends by calling University Liberals (aka me) dumb, people who were failed by their liberal parents, their liberal teachers and the liberal media, and who are not capable of logical thought processes.

She also called public schools criminal manufacturing labs "where children are sexually abused by teachers between frequent alcohol binges and bouts of grand larceny" As someone who has several teachers for friends and who aspires to also be a teacher, I can firmly say that Coulter is not worthy to lick shit off the ground that most teachers walk on. Being a teacher is a completely noble profession and clearly she has some pent up issues. Ann, I'm sorry you were fed with a silver spoon and shipped away to boarding school for your whole adolescence, but don't take it out on people who try to do good for the world, unlike you who's only goal in life is to hurt people who have never done anything to you.

I really hate this word, but it was probably uttered first by a prophet who had just had a vision of Ann Coulter and the pain she would inflict upon innocent people in the world. That word is cunt. Ann Coulter is a cunt. There, I said it and I will not take it back.

I have to admit, seeing her ravaged on the View and having pie thrown at her during a speech at a college was immensly gratifying for me.

The woman's ridiculous and she's going to learn the hard way one day that bottled blonde hair and long legs does not excuse her slandering and excessive use of libel. She should be sued and thrown in prison. The fucking asswad. She gives women and conservatives a bad name (and thats saying something considering some of the conservatives out there lording over the Fox News fortress).

Inadequate.

If you examine any problem in my life, the explanation would be the word inadequate.

You deem how.

I'm so fucking tired

Of this repression bullshit I've been doing.

I feel like shit, emotionally and I can't EVEN BRING MYSELF TO WRITE ABOUT IT.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I need to cry. I really do. But its like I don't have tear ducts anymore.


I am going to EXPLODE from all this emotion.